it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
