her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
