If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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