I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There are leaves in my underwear?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
