They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
