He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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