he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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