i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
