The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
