Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
