someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fill condoms, not promises.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
