I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
