I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can tuck mytits in my pants
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
