i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
