how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
