The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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