I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
