'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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