i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
