I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
