Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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