Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
