At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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