just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
