so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
