Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
