He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
