I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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