Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
