I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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