Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
