i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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