Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
