Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
