Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize