Already got asked if we're dating
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
