Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
