we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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