Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
