FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
