no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Damn victory sex feels great
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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