if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
