i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
