I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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