Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
