i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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