I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
