and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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