I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize