Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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