my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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