You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
