omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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