dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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