If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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