I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
